Sirius's Tale
by Alison Merriweather
Summary: Sirius was a natural lady's man at school. But what happens when he meets a girl who doesn't swoon?


Nothing is mine. Need I say it?

**Chapter 1**

I was sitting on the train to Hogwarts. Remus was off doing prefect stuff and James was strolling around the train looking for Lily. It was interesting being alone with Wormtail here. James had asked me to hold the compartment, but wasn't that what Wormtail was for?

I sighed and looked out into the hall. I could hear the distant calls of "Anything off the trolley?" I looked around to Peter who smiled awkwardly.

"I'm going to go get some food," I said authoritatively while standing, "Can you hold the compartment?"

"Of course, Padfoot," Petigrew nodded. I furrowed my brow at him: it seemed that Wormtail was resisting the urge to salute.

I nodded and walked out into the hallway heading down towards the trolley, glancing into compartments as he went. There he was: James was accosting Lily. I sighed and contemplated my options. Dare I go in and bother them? I looked around at the compartment laden with Lily's friends. I decided on the second of my options: keep walking.

I sighed and continued to walk off. I was smartly dressed, if I do say so myself. I was in my favorite outfit; a nice fitting jacket and an attractive pair of pants. My hair was dark and long as it always had been. My looks were definitely more individual than the Hogwarts robes that filled the train. Some people have criticized me for my love of looking good. One bloke had told me to stop dressing like a Python. Had I been an average member of my family, who shunned the muggles and their culture as any normal person would avoid a piece of dog crap on the sidewalk, I would have no idea what this gentlemen was trying to get at. But me, I had seen a fair amount of Monty Python's lovely Circus. I had to explain to this bloke the difference between a man dressed as a woman, and a man with long hair dressed as a man.

It had definitely been an interesting conversation.

"Sirius," a familiar voice called. Stopping and turning on the spot, I looked back to see Remus approaching wearing his robes and prefect's badge.

"Moony," I smiled swaggering towards him a little.

"What are you doing? Where's James?" Remus' remark made it obvious how strange it was for me to be without James.

"Er," I began peering into the compartment they were near, "He's trying to woo Miss Evans, of course." Lupin glanced into the compartment smiling a little and shaking his head. "I was going to go find some better company that Peter, but I seem to have found some—"

"Oh no, Sirius," Remus began to step past him, "I have to go patrol the rest of the train. But I'll catch up with you later." Remus had already made his way down the corridor when I sighed and stood, my shoulders hunched a little in my depression.

I glanced around into the compartment next to me not to see the red hair of Lily, nor the round spectacles of James.

A glamorous young woman sat across from a small group of worried first years. She had dark black hair dressed up around her face and an air of smugness. I recognized her at once as Bellatrix Lestrange, his cousin.

I opened the door to the compartment and looked to my cousin who'd been scaring the kids into believing that if they weren't in Slytherin, she'd jinx their elbows together, judging by the way the group was trying to hide their elbows from her.

"Little baby Siwious has come to join in the fun," Bellatrix spoke in her baby voice.

"Hello Bellatrix," I stepping in, "Attacking the innocent first years?"

"For your information, Cousin," Bellatrix had abandoned the baby voice, "These first years are all going to be in my house. Not your blood traitor house, isn't that right?" She took out her wand threateningly.

The students nodded nervously. I noted the control over them. Interesting what threat an air of authority and a wand had. I whipped out my own wand and pointed it at Bellatrix. "At least I don't run around in black cloaks pretending to be… Death Feeders, was it?" I furrowed my brow in mock interest.

"Eaters," Bellatrix corrected as she narrowed her eyes at me. "Don't bother trying to duel me," she began, "I could beat you in—"

"Expelliarmus!" I shouted. What was the point in all the stupid dialogue anyways? I caught her wand in my hand efficiently and smirked. "Go get it, Bella," I beckoned as I chucked the wand down the corridor.

Bellatrix threw a disgusted look at me as she stormed past him and into the corridor after her wand. Oh Bellatrix… don't make me laugh about you more.

I shook my head laughing lightly at her. I turned to leave when a first year caught my sleeve. Bloody first years shouldn't be touching my sophisticated jacket. "Thanks! I speak for all of us when I say that," he expressed the first years' gratitude. I looked around and saw all the rest of them nod in agreement.

"Oh," I shrugged, "It was nothing… just some… cousin to cousin rivalry… just like every other day with my family." Why was my family so committed to this… pure blood thing? It was entirely old fashioned. It was time to understand that one's "blood" really shouldn't matter.

"Well thanks all the same," another first year chimed in.

"Hey… could we maybe learn that spell? Expelliarmus, was it?" yet another first year chimed in holding his wand a little too firmly in his hand.

"You should be learning it soon," I responded trying to back out into the compartment. "It's pretty basic in Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"Oh please?" One of the girls piped up.

Was there anything _better_ to do? "Alright…" I nodded grudgingly. I held my wand up and began to explain. "Well, I suppose it might be a little difficult for you seeing as you've never actually done magic but—"  
The compartment door slid open and a Ravenclaw girl stood in the doorway looking as radiant as one could look in an outfit of drab school robes. I wasn't exactly sure who this was… how many lessons had the Gryffindors actually had with the Ravenclaws since my first year? I had a hunch that this was Elisa Gringeback. I was just wondering if she actually knew me when her eyes grew wide and her mouth fell open. "Sirius Black?" Either she was shocked to finally be meeting me… or she was really—There it was. The eyebrow angle. She was really angry. The latter of the two assumptions I had been prepared to make.

I looked around me and realized how awkward this could look. A fifth year teaching magic to a bunch of first years… especially a fifth year like me… I was sure that I was going to be voted "Class Clown" when the time came. And I don't believe the Ravenclaw girls liked me very much anyways. I could be teaching these kids jinxes to… dare I say it; glue their elbows together for all she knew.

I tried to collect my cool.

"I don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting," I stepped up to her, or rather, took half a step towards her while stashing my wand. Damn compartment limitations. "You seem to already know that I'm—"

"Sirius Black." She looked as if she had just vomited up a slug. She didn't even touch my hand. She just stepped right past me to the girl in the compartment.

Usually when I introduce my self to women, they politely shake my hand and tell me their name. Sometimes I can even start to see them swooning over me before I even get to the R in "Sirius". There was one occasion where I had introduced myself to a muggle girl living near to my accursed home. She was blonde. She had been looking into buying some sort of hand bag at a street corner market. I saw her back and decided to go in for the kill… the kill here being the "go in, take a look at what she's buying and compliment her choice" plan. I stepped up next to her and realized that there was no way to fulfill this plan without looking like a queer. Too late. "Are you going buy that one?" I spoke improvising completely, "Because it really matches your eyes." I hadn't actually seen her eyes. But she looked up and I realized that it was again, too late. She had green eyes. Her bag was yellow. If anything, it complimented the mucus of a canary. Then again, I've never actually seen the mucus of a canary and thank God for that. She bought the compliment anyways. And right there she seemed to have lost the ability to talk. I didn't really think I was that good at befuddling girls until that point. Ever since then, it's been something of a hobby for me.

But this was not an average girl. Or rather, woman. She had an air that required that title… even if I couldn't know her name.

"Elisa! Elisa! He saved us from this girl…" the girl she was helping with robes told her sister, I assumed.

The girl's excited address to the older sister had confirmed her identity. I didn't even need to know her name now. Although it would be nice of her to shake my hand.

"A girl?" Elisa repeated, "Who would _he_ save you from?" Again, she referred to me as dirt. I wasn't exactly enjoying being spoken of as dirt. The last person I'd met who'd enjoyed that was… Come to think of it, I couldn't even remember what happened to him… Something about a mole and a fair amount of bad quality tea.

"Bellatrix Lestrange!" The repetition of her name seemed to cause the same amount of fear as her actual presence had caused in the new kids. I call them "New Kids" not only because that's what they actually were but because I can't really ever call them "First Years" more than a few times within the first month of school. They haven't really earned the title until they're naturally skipping the quicksand step. Some students had extremely keen memories, or were burdened with early spurts of hormones. These students were lucky because they earned their titles rather early. I remember Remus. He was one of the keen ones. I was one of the ones burdened with the early spurt of hormones, (A.K.A. I looked older than my age). And James was just… Well, he seemed to know how to play it off. We were all naturally bonded to one another. It was obviously meant to be.

As for Wormtail, I don't even remember knowing him in my first year.

"Bellatrix Lestrange?" Elisa seemed to like repeating everything everyone else said.

"Mademoiselle," I tried to pull her attention to me using some of the grade school French I never expected to be useful. "May I please beg of you your name?"

She stood up straight in front of me, her lips pursed and her jaw clenched. Her eyebrows were still angered and inward, although the angle had much decreased. Her bright blue eyes flashed dangerously. I wondered if she'd ever actually speak.

"Elisa. Elisa Gringehead." I would've passed. Two out of three correct. And half credit for knowing it was a body part.

"Miss Elisa." I took her hand and bowed, kissing it. She didn't not pull away, or slap me… so I assumed she was alright with it. Sure enough, when I stood back up and looked at her, every line of her elegant face had relaxed; her eyebrows were placed normally, her jaw had loosened and her lips had not yet curved into a smile, but they were getting there. "I was just teaching these delightful First Years Expelliarmus when you came in." Hopefully that would explain the awkwardness of the scene.

"Expelliarmus?" She was repeating things again. "Why?"

"Well…" I furrowed my brow in a little confusion but smiled and chuckled it off as I said, "I suppose they wanted to be able to defend themselves, you know?"

"Perhaps," Elisa dismissed turning back to her sister. It was kind of annoying. I thought I had been a charmer. What was different about this girl?

"Why don't you like me?" I heard my voice echo in the compartment. Crap. I thought I was done with the "ejaculating random, stupid questions" phase of my life.

"Ha," she forced a fake laugh, "Don't like you? How could that ever be_possible_?" I assumed that was sarcasm. I was pretty familiar with sarcasm in myself, but recognizing it in someone I barely knew… well that's the tricky thing for anybody isn't it?

"Alright," I began to correct my last question. Why had I even asked that in the first place? "How do you know me?" Half of me was expecting another sarcastic remark.

"How could anyone _not_ know _Sirius Black_?" Spot on. Congratulations, Half-ie. I smiled a little and she looked up at me. I shrugged. Didn't want to look too self absorbed. "We've been in the same charms class for two years, Mr. Black." I had been reduced to a "Mister". I suppose that's better than dirt.

"Oh really?" I asked, not remembering her at all.

"Yes," she began, "You were too busy messing around with that James Potter creature and bothering Remus who was trying to pay attention."

"You know Remus?" That was complete news to me. I had never even heard about this Elisa creation from him. And what's the point of calling James a creature? He wasn't all that bad.

I do suppose that being a creature would be better than dirt though.

"Yes, Mr. Black," she turned back around again to help her sister, "We were study partners for charms last year."

Slap. When the heck had Remus found a _study partner_? How uninvolved was I in Remus' life to not have realized—well, I suppose I shouldn't know everything about his life. It's not like we were in a relationship or anything.

Although, that would be better than dirt I suppose.

"Sirius," she addressed me not looking up. She had used my first name. Win. "The train is going to be arriving soon. You should probably change into your robes."

"Good idea," I lied. I was going to change into those robes on the carriage ride up to the castle. That's how much I hated them. "I will see you around, Elisa?"

"I suppose so." She didn't turn to see me off.

"Bye!! Thanks!!" Some of the new kids echoed together. One kid was definitely off. About a whole word off. He definitely wasn't getting his "First Year" title anytime soon.

"Oh yeah," I had forgotten they were in the compartment, "Sorry I couldn't teach you that spell. Some people just don't seem to like that incantation." I glanced over to Elisa who seemed to roll her eyes. "Bye." I turned very quickly and left letting the compartment door slam loudly.

I looked back into the next compartment. Evan's compartment. There was her hair, but James' was no where to be seen. I continued walking down the corridor until I found the compartment Wormtail had been holding for us. There he was. Sitting alone. Holding the compartment. And following orders. I sighed and looked back down the corridor.

I don't suppose you've ever been pounced on by a male the same size and weight as you. If you haven't, you wouldn't know how utterly shocking it is physically to suddenly be supporting both your weight and the weight of the pouncer while still being completely freaked out mentally by the fact that someone you can't even identify at the moment has just jumped on you. If you have been pounced on, then you know how much more shocking it is to have no idea who's on top of you than it is to crash to the ground.

"SIRIUS!!!" My ears felt as if they were going to bleed.

"James," I began to pry the crazed teenager off of me, "Calm yourself man." I smiled, as did he. He stood up first and pulled me up with him.

"What happened?" I asked. He knew what I was talking about.

"Well," he began, "She was going in for the kiss but I said 'No, no, no, my love. Not in public'." His drama was extremely amusing. He looked to me and I quirked my brow skeptically. "And _then_, we decided we'd meet in the common room at one." He lifted his brows and lowered them again twice.

I shook my head. "You have no idea how perverted those eyebrows look, James," I told him. He only laughed. Apparently that was the attempt of them. "So," I began seemingly changing subject, "What_really_ happened?"

"Nothing," James revealed. "She told me to leave her alone."

I shrugged. "You already know my theory," I reminded him.

"So… you think that's another call for attention then?" James asked as they stood idly in the corridor.

"Of course," I told him, "It's simply that. She wants you so badly that she doesn't want to admit it. So she shoves you away." Part of me believed myself. One sixteenth maybe. But all of James seemed to believe it. Every single time I repeated the idea, his ears perked up a little. Yes, his ears. He was one of those people whose ears moved quite a lot. When he laughed, when he was sad, when he was content… it was a little weird. But most people didn't know about it. His hair usually covered that up. Hallelujah. If people knew his ears moved that much, he'd be a social outcast in no time. And then what would I be?

I shudder at the thought.

"Alright," James nodded. "What do you say to some butterbeer I brought from home?" He and I slipped into the compartment and stepped on the seat pulling his bag down and taking out two butterbeers. He turned around smiling and saw Wormtail looking up at him awkwardly. James pulled a sheepish smile. I suppressed my laughter as James went into the bag again to pull out another bottle. He handed them around and we all began to drink. "What happened to you while I was gone?" James asked the bottle.

It took a second of awkward silence for me to realize that he had spoken to me. "Oh," I began, "I happened to discover that Remus is leading a secret life." I was trying to make the un-advantageous experience seem worth experience.

"What are you talking about, Sirius?" James asked very calmly. Then I watched his eyes light up and his ears perk up with a sudden curiosity and interest. "Perhaps… well," his looks excitement died down, "How much more secret can he get? He has his furry little problem."

"Yes," I began. Really, this was the most unexciting topic I'd discussed in a long while. "Well, he had a stuffy partner for charms last year. Did you know?" He opened his mouth to form a "No" but I continued before he could. "And she's a Ravenclaw by the name of Elisa ." There's something rather enjoyable about cutting people off… defying every British formality one knows.

"Wow," James began, "Where were we?"

"Having gay sex." … Dang it. That was the second time today! James' laughter echoed around. Hallelujah. At least it wasn't complete awkwardness. "James," I began.

"Yes, my love?" I knew he was playing off my last comment.

"That's the second time I've ejaculated random sentences I've barely even though about," I told him, "Today." I was trying to express my concern.

"Good Lord!" I half expected him to say – "By Jove!" He had said it. My God. I never thought James could become an old, fat Englishman sporting the walrus mustache. It makes me shake my head in disgust merely remembering it.

"Did you just--?"

"Yes, my lad!" James continued to sport the character. "I did… 'just'." He smiled and chortled with a big-belly.

I shook my head after planting my face in my palm. Goodness. Next thing we knew Professor Dumbledore would be a queer.

…

Oh dear God, no.

"It's only a phase I suppose," James began to advise me. He had a point. But he missed a point. A rather crucial point, if I do say so myself.

"I've already gone through that phase, James," I told him. Indeed, there had been a rather embarrassing event in which I had undone my own collect coolness. What had happened…. well, I'd rather not tell. But I can relive it so vividly. It was completely and utterly unimportant to anyone but me. But I trust you will understand my embarrassment.

I had been strolling down the road. I was… thirteen I believe. All the hormones were starting to rush in all together all at the same time. And there was the sexiest babe I have ever seen in my entire life. And that _is_ saying something. She was absolutely gorgeous. Big blonde hair, dark red lips, big blue eyes, the sexiest dress exposing everything a boy of my age would love to see from a woman such as this on a nice evening stroll. Or rather, everything a boy of my age would love to see without being slapped across the face or stunned by the sudden indescribable sound of a "Rape Alarm".

If you've heard one, only you can understand what competition a banshee has in this world.

She was incredibly sexy.

If you hadn't caught my drift already.

I walked past her. And, well… I ejaculated.

Now, I suppose you would like to go look up the meaning of the word, so I can prove a point. "Ejaculated", according to Webster's New World Dictionary defines the word as "1. to eject or discharge 2. to utter suddenly and vehemently".

You needn't tell me what you were thinking before.

And you needn't know what, precisely, I did ejaculate.

"Well," James said. His eyes told me that he was trying to concoct some sort of advice. And they also said that whatever he was going to conjure up to advise me, wasn't going to be good. "It'll pass?" It was feeble. And we both knew it.

I sighed and looked out the compartment window. We'd be at the station soon.


End file.
